I was playing a rugby 7s tournament this day with the universities rugby team. I love rugby 7s because it’s so fast-paced and I’m fast and love to score those try’s as people fall over trying to tackle me. It’s a great feeling! (Rugby 7 matches only last 15 minutes and take place on a full football pitch with 7 players on each team.)
We had just warmed up for our first game when a new message with a sound came in- the sound I had specifically set up for Lois’ messages. My heart was racing with excitement and also a little anxiety, or rather an annoyance. Here I was out on the rugby pitch at 11 AM about to be occupied until at least 4 PM. She’d have to leave and I would have missed an opportunity to talk to her when she’d been so busy recently that we rarely got to talk, to begin with.
“What does it mean for you to be a slave?
“I don’t know Mistress. That I can be useful to anyone?”
“But it is not quite that, is it. You said you could clean the house, and it would be useful, but it is not quite it.”
I had remarked a few days ago that my flatmate wasn’t ever cleaning the house or her own mess. I thought that cleaning made me feel useful but that it wouldn’t actually have the same effect. In fact, cleaning after my flatmate was the most frustrating thing!
“So what is it then?”
I really didn’t know.
“You feel a little embarrassed an confused that you don’t know?”
I felt mostly confused, to be honest. I asked her why I didn’t know but I also needed to go for a minute because I had a rugby match to play.
20 Minutes later I ran back to my phone. My heart had already sunk a little because I expected her to have left since I wasn’t going to be around, though I had said be right back. In the last message that she had sent before I left she stated that I felt like I should know the answer and that it was a little worrying to me that I didn’t. She was right. So I asked her some rhetorical questions. What did it mean to be a slave? To be devoted and push my limits? To give my all to be the best I could be?
“So pushing your limits and struggling is a central part of being a slave for you?”
Yay, she was still there! (And just as a heads up, this entire post is just going to be recapping our conversation. No extra fun if you were hoping for that.)
“I don’t know Mistress. I think it’s about making my Mistress happy and being everything she might desire? And as a part of that pushing limits and struggling yes? Being special and wanted?”
“Was it difficult for you to write that last bit?”
It was a little. For some reason, it had been really hard for me to admit that all this time. Like it made me feel as if I was asking for too much or was bothering her or expecting something unreasonable. I asked her why she wanted me to realise this and she said that she wanted me to understand myself better. She asked me what game I was playing.
I asked her why we were still keeping the distance. The online distance, which I’m sure is something you will have asked yourself too if you’ve been reading all these posts. I asked her if she was still afraid that I would get too attached to her.
“Yes, I know how unpredictable my life is and I don’t want you to fall apart if something changes in our ability to be in contact.”
I thought that this didn’t really matter anymore already. I was clearly attached in some way. Not romantically but like… she was my Mistress and my servitude and all that certainly revolved very much around her. I suggested that if something were to change in her life right now that would also change our ability to be in contact so why did keeping that extra distance still matter? Plus, it’s like any relationship, right? You choose to commit to the risk to get hurt if it ends.
She agreed but said that she’d hope I could cope with it if our contact changes because she had taught me to be a slave for myself. I asked her if she didn’t think I could cope with it otherwise.
“I don’t know. But I think the more I trust that you can the more I can allow you to give more of yourself.”
“Why don’t you trust me, Mistress? I don’t know what else I can do or show you to make you trust me.”
“What makes you say I don’t trust you?
Of course, I trust you.
I just don’t want you to be hurt.”
I said that it seemed like she was too afraid that I would fall apart. And that the reason I had to ask her (the other day) if she wanted to own me was because at the moment it sometimes felt as if she didn’t. As if she rather had that I found someone else. I continued by saying that I understood why she might be afraid to hurt me (I mean… when these kind of relationships end it’s quite a shock to the system) but that by that logic she could forever be afraid to hurt me because circumstances might change. I felt like she had trained me well enough that if our dynamic would go away I would still be a slave. It wouldn’t disappear just because she’d be gone.
“I agree, it won’t go away. But I also always want to make you a strong person who can be herself and enjoy what she is even when the times are hard. Having a light at the end of a tunnel always.”
“You’ve seen me climb up without you. I’m not dependant on you. I’m not losing me.”
“That is true. I like to read when you pick yourself up again.”
By this point, I had to go and play another game and came back by saying we had just won the last game and that I got a try, wooo. She said she didn’t know what it meant so I had to tell her it means scoring in rugby, lol.
“But back to our conversation.
Doesn’t it feel like holding back?”
“What do you mean?”
“Like the both of us could get more out of it if we were to allow us to get closer, Mistress.”
“I want to make you a good slave and for me to enjoy to see you grow.”
“And ultimately? Do you want me to find someone else rather than own me? It makes me feel like you don’t want me, Mistress. Or is this just in my head?”
“That’s just in your head. For me getting you to be a good slave is the pleasure. The challenge. Like doing a puzzle. Who keeps a puzzle once it is done. It’s about making it in the first place. The puzzle was a bad example of what happens at the end, haha. But useful to describe the enjoyment of the process.”
“But right now you own me? Right? And I can feel certain about that? And happy?”
“Yes, of course.”
We then talked some more about what it means to be a slave. I asked, almost as if to confirm that it was okay, that I as a slave need to feel special and wanted. She asked me what I was up to. We then talked a bit about giving and taking and she mentioned that being as perfect as a slave as I could be was the price I paid for the pleasure and stability that being a slave was giving me and she said that I was being really good at it. She then asked me what I was up to.
I was watching our other teams play (well, I was more focused on our conversation but). I asked her what she was up to. She was at home and considered going out with friends later but mentioned she’d been out all day yesterday so was rather happy to have a quiet Saturday.
We then talked a bit about clothes, as one of the thing she was still training me for was learning how to dress but I didn’t know what looked good on me so I was a bit lost. Another thing that had been on my to-do list was learning make-up, with which I was also a bit lost. She suggested I ask my friends which I had and they were useless to which she laughed and stated it was on me then lol. So helpful.
We really had a long conversation that day (and I clearly had a long break until the next match) because she also mentioned she wanted me to start enjoying cumming more and be aware of my own arousal and I had to admit that just talking to her made me aroused.
Back then, my friend Liam was seeing a girl who, at the moment, was making Liam copy my heel up the bum pictures. She asked me if I wanted to see a few attempts and I wasn’t sure if I did. I know we have crossed many boundaries but I don’t really like to see men naked for no reason (sorry).
“Up to you. I think it’s mortifying for him and arousing to know you say them.”
So I asked her if she cared if I saw them or not. It didn’t matter to her but she wanted him to think that I had, haha. So she sent me one that was more funny than anything. I can’t remember what it looked like, to be honest. I only know that I said it looked funny after I’d seen it.
We joked a bit about the rugby matches and I remarked I was probably a little burned on my face but that it would turn into a tan within two days.
“Or peeling skin.”
By this point, I had made it home and had probably been texting as I cycled (safely… I promise) and just taking off my socks was kind of painful in terms of bruises.
“And not even the good bruises,” Lois remarked.
She then mentioned that Liam’s girl had used my FetLife pictures to make herself squirt all over Liam, hahahaha. Sorry not sorry for outing you here if you’re reading this Liam.
“As far as I can tell she fancies you a little. She mentioned wanting to dominate you and Liam at the same time and I told her that is unlikely haha.”
Somehow we made it until like 9 PM and I started trying out eyeshadow as she was watching along. God, I was terrible at it. I tried different colours but Lois also thought they weren’t working. Apparently some things don’t work with freckles, of which I have many in summer because sun!
“I’m a little shocked at how useless I am at helping you with this.”
Lol. And then eventually we each went to bed.
Dear Marie Louise,
Your most interesting posts are usually the ones without “extra fun”.
I came across one of those graphic sign posts on bdsmlr, which said: “A dominant needs to be needed. A submissive needs to feel wanted…”
I think that is what you are talking about. That as a submissive/slave you need to feel wanted for your service to be meaningful. That if Miss Lois didn’t enjoy your service, then it would be meaningless. That her enjoyment was the whole point to you.
I always enjoy these kinds of musings from you.
All the best,
So sorry for the delayed response. Your comment ended up in the bin again somehow!
I really like that you find the most interesting posts the ones without the extra fun. Me too.
I think the signpost you’re talking about is super accurate!
And exactly, you got the entire point for me. Thank you for leaving yet another lovely comment.
I really love reading these interactions between the two of you, as it gives a good insight in how she trained and cared for you 🙂
Thank you Marie!
I enjoyed reading this, ML. I would love to watch you play rugby, I’ll bet you are fast, I already know you are tough. Those shoes do look well used. Texting while cycling, that sounds just like you.
Thank you Elliot!
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