Discovering Kink as a Child

I am aware that this is a controversial topic and I believe it is for a good reason. It is important to have the age of consent to protect minors so that they cannot be taken advantage of and that is also why BDSM and kink are only allowed to be engaged in once you are 18+ (though the age of consent is different in each country). However, there are quite a few stories of people that rolled into this world before they were eighteen and I’m one of them. This post is not meant for minors, nor is it to advertise sex and BDSM to minors. This post is only meant to tell my personal story and background of how I eventually, happily so, became involved with BDSM.

I know I might have mentioned this before, but I had a boyfriend when I was eleven and as young as we were, it was the first time I experienced what felt like real love. We had always been friends and loved doing the same childlike things like all the others but we were also drawn to each other in a romantic way; we were together on and off until we were 10-12 years old. We loved lying on the trampoline which was hidden behind a bush in the garden and could stare at each other for hours and kiss each other’s cheeks. (Sickeningly sweet, I know, but it felt so good.) We also loved tickling each other and romping around. There was something about the blissful fun and the comedown when the face of either one of us slowly started hovering closer, and I could smell his scent so close to me.

I have no idea how one goes about suggesting to tie each other up, but I know I was the one who introduced the idea. It wasn’t anything fancy; we simply tied the hands together as if they were handcuffed, except with rope (shoelaces and skipping rope at that.) We often did this in my bedroom as I had a high sleeper which made it particularly easy to tie the hands to a bar above our heads. Once tied, one of us was left at the mercy of the tickler and as you can imagine, a lot of ‘involuntary’ laughter followed. This became our ‘dirty little secret.’ Of course, we were aware that it might, at best, be seen as very strange if someone found out but we took every opportunity to do it and also introduced blindfolds at some point.

(The picture below is a piece of rope I recently found in one of the boxes with my stuff from my childhood years. I don’t know why Mum saved it and why she didn’t throw it away along with all the empty containers that certainly weren’t mine that I found in the box. But I know what that piece of rope was used for, haha.)

After we broke up (we became embarrassed about our relationship in secondary school as all of our friends were teasing us), I was heartbroken and then later didn’t know what to do about this desire to be tied up so I decided to bury all my feelings. It wasn’t until I had one of my insomnia nights when I was watching television past 12 o’clock and stumbled upon a sex documentary that my feelings resurfaced. Conveniently so, the woman presenting the program was trying out a set-in-scene kidnapping. As this unfolded I had all sorts of ideas of what could happen to her as part of this scene, but when she was brought to her kidnapper (her boyfriend), they had vanilla sex (not on camera). It was this documentary that led me to Google and how I found out that my feelings could be identified under BDSM.

As you are well aware, if you are underage you are not allowed to access sexually explicit sites. I myself, have the following stated on my site, which is kind of aggressive really, though necessary and with a reason, of course.

 

I tried but I couldn’t bury my feelings. I managed to go without feeling them for months at a time and then the intense desire and need of being a submissive returned. When these feelings returned I went back to the internet and immersed myself in erotic stories. Two years left until I’m sixteen… Then one year left… Finally, I turned sixteen. I opened a few BDSM site’s and felt liberated at the fact that this was allowed now, except, it still wasn’t everywhere; I wasn’t eighteen yet. I couldn’t help but count the years. By the time I was eighteen and had also come out as a lesbian in the year prior, my hopes of ever finding a female dominant had mostly died.

Additionally, I had been depressed for several years now and where escaping in my own kinky fantasies had helped before, I now felt numb towards most things. I didn’t know what arousal was and didn’t understand why girls liked orgasms. I had forgotten about the more extreme fantasies I had as a young child/early teenager and couldn’t define what I was interested in anymore. The knowledge that I identified as a submissive and desperately wanted to do something with these feelings remained but that was all. I felt incredibly lost and still alone.

I then met Lisa on Collarspace but that quickly ended (see this post), which then caused me to bury my feelings once more because I couldn’t cope with this abrupt ending of our dynamic. It wasn’t until I met Lois that I was able to find and finally accept myself.

As I said at the start of this post, I do not endorse underage sex or anything related to this. I am left to wonder though, how my experience as a child and teen could have been more positive. I believe we need to be more open about sex in general. We receive sexual health classes in secondary school but it often only focuses on straight sex. There has been a positive change of LGBTQ+ inclusion in some places and I wonder if it would be beneficial if the basics of kink or something were a topic too. Maybe that’s a ridiculous idea, I am not a pedagogy professional but I do know that if the stigma were removed in society (by perhaps educating and informing without endorsing anything underage) it could make a difference. A big problem with this, of course, is that teens might go online and get engaged with the wrong people/adults that want to take advantage of them. At the same time, this is already a problem that we’re desperately trying to tackle as the internet opened up a completely new network of predators, which has become extra dangerous now that children as young as four, somehow, have access to tablets, computers, phones that are all connected to the internet.

But what I want to end on is that it wasn’t wrong for me and my boyfriend to engage in some tying up. We were both kids of the same age after all and this experience is relevant to me and who I have become.

Xx Marie Louise

(c) Do not use any of the material on this blog, pictures or content for any form of publication whether fiction, film, psychological research etc. without contacting me and asking me for my permission.

3 Replies to “Discovering Kink as a Child”

  1. BrainMassage

    For sure this is a delicate matter, and you did the right thing making crystal clear that this content is supposed to be read by adults. I totally agree with what you wrote, and I believe most of the people who discover BDSM have their first mild experiences and discoveries when they are underage. In my opinion it would be extremely useful to society if education could provide information about safety in this kind of context. A child should be aware of the risks of doing some things (see also your other post about prolonged use of clamps on your nipples, which could damage you), and to know what kinds of techniques are used by predators, in order to be ready to set up proper defence against their attacks. Even just basic good habits, such as knowing that once you post something online there’s no way back. Keeping things hidden contributes to ignorance, and ignorance contributes to danger.

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  2. Tom

    I agree with you ML.

    I discovered my strong attraction to female (girls’) feet when I was about 12. No idea why. Foot fetish was and still is the most powerful fetish. Other kinks and affinities came gradually over the following years, for example, I became aware of the masochistic tendencies and that I was turned on by sexual humiliation and by female sexual domination in my early 20s. And so on. And I am sure my “evolution” is not over yet. 😉

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