Conquering fear: Attending my first BDSM event

I used to be afraid of accepting the BDSM/kinky part of myself without truly knowing that I was afraid. I always knew that I was into BDSM and that I wanted to live my life in that lifestyle with someone I could submit to. I absolutely believed in this. I never doubted this. It was way more certain than my sexuality until I figured out I was gay. Yet, I didn’t know I was a slave until Miss Lois truly started helping me open up and exploring this identity of mine.

However, nowadays I don’t seem to be afraid of much anymore. I’m incredibly open on here and in my sharing with pictures and even videos. There is nothing I am afraid to write about. I feel at peace with myself and my identity. You know that song “Coming out of my cage and I’ve been doing just fine,” that’s what I feel like. Which is ironic, really, because someone might put me in a cage in the future, lol.

So instead of writing about my old fears, I would like to write a post about my current fears that are likely invisible to the people that follow me online.

Just a week ago, I went to my first ever kink-related event, which was a BDSM 101 Workshop. I’d been scouting Fetlife for events and munches near me for a while and decided a workshop would be easiest for me to attend as I don’t like to drink and feel anxious about attending nights out with my football team, aka people that I know, and doing that with complete strangers that are also into kink sounds terrifying, lol. (Side note: yes I do have social anxiety.)

So I went to this 101 Workshop, which sounds ridiculous in some way because I mean… I knew everything about BDSM and kink far before I turned 18. Thank you internet. So coming into this workshop where they ran through all the basic things felt like going back to below the age of 18-year old me reading all these things on the internet. Except for this time, someone was telling me about it in person. And in some way, the in-person thing made a huge difference (although not in terms of information, haha).

I had to take the bus to get to this event, which always made it even more daunting for me to take the step as it would mean that if something were to go wrong, I couldn’t just run straight home: I’d first have to be stuck on a bus for a while. Then on this day, I happened to have the first day of my period (the fucking worst day!). And additionally, it was absolutely pouring it down outside. Like, an umbrella wasn’t enough to keep myself dry after walking to the bus stop which took three minutes. So I was like: I’m scared to go to this event, you might arrive with wet socks, you are in pain because of your period and you have to sit in a bus that will make you very carsick (as busses in Scotland do, somehow). I felt like I had many reasons to cancel my attendance. However, I didn’t.

I didn’t cancel because this was literally the most low-key, open event without any pressure that I could attend and it wasn’t going to return in the following months. Additionally, I had been thinking about going since August and considering I have wanted to be part of a local scene / at least know some people for years, I felt like I had no excuse anymore. If I wasn’t going to push myself to go now, I never would.

So I got there and had directions on my phone of where I should go, but the room where it could potentially be was ‘obstructed’ by this group of guys sitting around a table in the dark. So I was like… eeeeeeeh. Do I really want to go in there to potentially find the right room when it looks like this isn’t the place where I need to be?

I didn’t go in and instead messaged the events page to say that I was here but didn’t know where to go. I walked around in circles for a bit, admired (I mean not really lol) the furniture that’d been scattered around and then a person asked me what I was looking for.

Me: “Em… a workshop?”

Person: “Oh, sorry, no.”

Then she walked away…

So I was like… Am ready to just… disappear and leave. (But you’re not going to. Don’t you dare!)

Then another person came up to me asking me the same thing and thank god, she was from the 101 BDSM Workshop and she took me through the area, past the guys sitting around this table in the dark and into the right room.

There were one other attendee and two people (later three) that were going to lead the workshop.

(Whyyyy?? I thought I could maybe hide in the back behind all the other attendees)

Nope. It was just me and one other person and then a third, a bit later on.

It struck me how normal all of us were even though I know we’re all normal people. I know. And yet somehow, it felt curious. I guess it’s because even though I know how to be normal and kinky on the internet, I’m not there yet in real life? That part hasn’t caught up yet with my internet me, lol.

(Which, just to clarify, it works fine with one other person. Like with my best friend, or if I had a Mistress. No problems there.)

So the person leading the workshop started to go over what we were going to do, in a very casual way. They were going to show us how to make rope handcuffs, talk a bit about impact play and… well I don’t really remember what else she mentioned. She asked me if I’d been to any of the events before to which I said no, but no one ever asked me for my name and we didn’t have any introductions at all. Throughout I kept on wondering whether I should ask people about their name so as to start introductions but because they didn’t I wasn’t sure if this was all on purpose or not?? I mean, I think they had all seen each other before. It also felt kind of weird how normal it was that I was just there, never having met any of them ever before, and not introducing myself? No questions about where I was from or anything to the point that it just. Idk. Weird.

But so the thing is, I probably looked very scared and shy and young and inexperienced. I tried not to but there was honestly no point in trying because I couldn’t help it. Even if I had blocked out the feeling (as I tend to do), my body was portraying signs of being terrified. I mean it’s always awkward stepping into a room in which you know no one. But then it’s extra terrifying because it’s kink related even though in a way it also wasn’t because we were all dressed normally and went over the basics.

Anyhow, she talked us through Sane, Safe and Consensual, safe words and about everything BDSM-101-ish that you can think of. I nodded along, accepting that I looked like this inexperienced newbie and just played the part. Sometimes I had the thought of: Why am I here? I know all this stuff. And then I would tell my thought off by thinking: You’re here because this is a first step in getting involved in the local community. This is useful!
And also, it was quite nice being told all of these things in person. I really appreciated that they had organised this event and took the time to help/educate/to introduce people like me. So even though I knew most things, it was nice to hear it.

And as she went through all these things, simply telling us and keeping it theoretical I started to feel more at ease. We sometimes laughed and stuff. If they weren’t there to deliver this workshop I would have liked to ask everyone about their names, who they were and all of that. I have a genuine interest in people, but alas.

But then, what felt quite quickly, we moved onto learning how to make rope handcuffs. I’d never done those before. Didn’t even stop to consider that was a thing. I mean, if you want handcuffs you just use a pair of handcuffs right? (I know about Shibari, of course, but I never considered that I or newbies might want to know about how to make rope handcuffs.)

Instead of only showing us how to make them, we were all given a string of rope and I felt… well. again, terrified. I’d held this kind of rope before. I own this exact same rope that I use for crotch ropes and such. But holding it there, amongst other people, I felt like I was exposing myself. It felt like how I’d felt taking those first steps in accepting myself as a slave.

(But you have accepted this part of you, your identity. Why are you feeling like this again?)

The feeling subsided after a minute or so and I started to feel comfortable again as soon as everyone kept on being completely normal about it. The feeling returned when, once we’d made the rope handcuffs, they were put around someone’s wrists. Once again, they left after about a minute after I knew that it was okay in this (small) group of people.

When I got to put my (with the help of) rope handcuffs on someone’s wrists and tie them (not very successfully, lol) I felt a tingle of the fear again, which subsided much more quickly than the previous two. Actively doing the rope stuff while being in an environment in which it was normal helped a lot.

I felt like we were having fun, I guess. Like the other two attendees and I had some very vague, small connection by trying out this rope thing and struggling with it. And the people leading the workshop too, weren’t experts on rope, haha.

Yet, I was also relieved when we got to sit back down and listen to the people leading the workshop talk without having to take part in anything. We moved onto impact play. They showed us some impact play toys like a wooden paddleboard (aka a bread cutting board lol), a flogger, a riding crop and said that we could go up and feel them and test them out in our hands. And there I was thinking… I- em… already own… most of these… lol.

Picking one of these things up again, gave me that sense of fear, but it was a lot less intense this time and gone after just a second. Nonetheless, I felt no desire to try them out because there was no gain of information in it for me.

By this point, I started to think about what was next. Fine, I’d been to this event now, not learned anyone’s name (although the people leading did introduce themselves), no one learned my name or had any idea of who I was. How exactly, had I gotten myself any more out there compared to before? I mean, I guess that’s the thing with workshops. Unlike at munches where you’re there to meet other people, you’re at a workshop to well… learn something?

Near the end, we talked a bit about events, munches etc. She listed all the things that were going on in Scotland and I kind of knew about all of these… as I mentioned above, I’d scouted Fetlife for these things for a while. The thing I struggle with is actually going to these events. I wish I had a friend to go with. But alas, I’m just gonna have to do it myself.

My plan is to go to a munch hosted by the same people that hosted this workshop because they seem nice and it feels safe (until I’ll get there and panic because there’ll be a big group of people I don’t know, lol. But I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we get there.)

Hopefully, in a few months time, I’ll no longer be afraid of attending munches or other events. The way to get over fear is by doing the things that you are afraid of, right? I’m sure I’ll get there.

Xx MLSlavePuppet

Other posts on events I have visited since:
– My First Fetish Event
– Part 1: Hot Queer Play Party

This post was inspired by the October Erotic Journal Challenge on Fear, Insecurity, Anxiety and Self-doubt.