Holding the Strings

Content warning: Depression, dissociation, self-harm, suicide topics.  I have a lot of discipline as a slave and a person. Rules are important for me in an M/s relationship because they set out the parameter. However, I don’t have to be disciplined much because I am very disciplined. I think it’s because I’ve had to be for different reasons and they are each building on one another. I’m going to have to derail a bit from BDSM to explain how I Continue Reading →

I am a Question to the World

“I am a question to the world, Not an answer to be heard, Or a moment that’s held in your arms.”   You smile like Mona Lisa, is what my boss at the time (now close friend) said after the first few weeks that I had worked with her. She wondered what was going on in my head but I couldn’t say. She had opened a small window which cast a single ray of light but I was too far Continue Reading →

Kinky Fantasies to Help me Fall Asleep

For as long as I can remember I’ve been bad at sleeping. My parents quickly concluded it must be because my dad is a poor sleeper and that I inherited it from him, thanks dad, haha. So at first, when we still had these big massive radios I listened to Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter audiobooks. When I was around nine or ten I was given an old television, which must have seemed harmless, but when you turn Continue Reading →

Sweaty hair sticks to my face and I feel alive

I have been exercising on a weekly basis without a break except for summer holidays since I was around five years old. My parents thought it was important for me and my sister to exercise so we had to sign up to at least one weekly sports activity. So when I was five I started judo, then changed to tennis when I was nine, added Aikido for a year around my 16th, started football at 17, while keeping tennis on Continue Reading →

My First Fetish Event

If you read my post Breaking into the scene? or Attending my first BDSM event you know I was anxious about attending play events or any kinky events for that matter. I freaked out on the Saturday before Sugar Kane, the fetish/play event I planned on going to. My thoughts spiralled, thinking I couldn’t do this and that it was even stupid of me to try. I thought I would make a fool of myself if I showed up or Continue Reading →

Utilising My Body

I was always a slim child. I loved running around, playing sports and I also dressed like a boy. It wasn’t a fashion choice as such, it was simply more comfortable and practical as my friends and I (only boys) weren’t the let’s stay quiet and indoors type. We liked to go on adventures. My two-year-younger sister preferred more ‘typical’ girl things. She liked to sing and dance and wear dresses. For most of my life, she kept on telling Continue Reading →

Which one is Real?

Trigger warning: depression and suicidal thoughts. Sometimes I slip into it so slowly that I don’t notice I have changed at all. I am aware that I’m not feeling well and that depression has crept up on me but I’m not aware that ‘my voice’ has changed. I am ‘the other’ and I don’t realise because she feels so familiar to me. She’s like an old friend but I am scared of her. I am scared of feeling this way. Continue Reading →

Triggering Dissociation with a Task

Previous Post | Next Post I have written about my dissociation in the past in My Mental Illness: Depression and Dissociation and written a guest post attempting to explain a little bit about dissociation on SB4MH. Considering the forms of dissociation out there like, Dissociative Identity Disorder about which DeviantSuccumbus has written some great posts (here & here) that explains it well, mine is pretty mild. I don’t have multiple personalities but I do seem to have an ego state. This Continue Reading →

Learning that I am allowed to exist

For years, I struggled with the idea of my own existence. I didn’t want to be alive and didn’t think I should exist. I preferred to be invisible and part of that meant to never wear anything too nice. I admired women that looked fashionable from a distance, whether they were wearing make-up, trousers, skirts, dresses and/or heels. They seemed so confident and at peace with who they were. I wasn’t anything like that, though deep down inside, I felt Continue Reading →

Reclaiming Agency over Depression, Eliminating Bad Habits like comfort food

Depression has a lot of invisible to the outside world side-effects that I imagine people often feel ashamed about, and therefore walk around with it alone. I know I felt ashamed. I want to talk about bad habits that if not caused by, at the very least became stuck in my system as a result of depression. I think some of mine are universal, while others might be slightly more personal. I hope that sharing this might if you are Continue Reading →

Coping with the upcoming holidays

Halloween has passed and somehow that means it is now time for Christmas, starting on the 1st of November. THAT IS 54 days until Christmas day. It essentially means that ‘we’ dedicate almost 2 months to Christmas. 2 MONTHS! That is how much ‘we’ all love Christmas, but I’m not one of the people that does… Continue Reading →

My Mental Illness: depression and dissociation and their relationship with my slave identity and kinky lifestyle

I have been following the site of Sex Bloggers for Mental Health for a while, intending to follow one of their writing prompts but forget to / am too busy to actually do it in the right week. However, I feel like I sometimes mention that my mental health is a bit meh in my ‘normal’ blog posts without ever having explained anything about my mental health to you. Therefore I thought it might be appropriate to take last week’s Continue Reading →