As you are well aware, I am looking for a Mistress; I’m a slave without an owner, of course, I am. Many of you ask me if I have found one yet but like with vanilla relationships, it doesn’t just happen because you want it to. However, I have been wanting to get more involved in the scene and as you might also be aware, I haven’t been that successful yet. I have been to some munches, two workshops and met Simon (suspension) and Miss Sultry Belle (caning) but it doesn’t mean I have gotten involved that much. The munches were all before Christmas and I haven’t been since. I was really looking forward to going to this one event 1.5 weeks ago but I was hit by a sudden spell of depression, which is then often accompanied by anxiety so I opted out of it.
Now there’s a play event on Saturday with the people I’ve met on the socials before Christmas so I am definitely going there, and I’m trying to force myself to go to SK for the first time, the day after. Additionally, I’ve bought a ticket for a queer-kink party and I am going to Eroticon (by the way 😉😁) (thanks to Bee and May for easing my mind and encouraging me to come!) But if you have a look at the order of these events, you’ll notice that the least terrifying event is Eroticon, which comes last, so what am I doing? I decided to just start throwing myself into it regardless of anxiety. I guess I’m sometimes the kind of person that is either all in or all out. Or maybe I’m just a fool. Who knows?
I’m really bad at fitting into large groups of people whether this is in a party setting or a more chilled setting. I am always the butterfly, the floater, who can talk and be friendly with everyone but who never gets close enough to become a part of the group. I’m the loner, the wallflower, the person people don’t understand but respect. On every football team, every player is especially close to another player. In every group of friends, every person is especially close to another person. People come in pairs of two or three or four and then split off in two again. I am everyone’s friend but I am no one’s friend friend, which means that in any setting with a lot of people, I am alone.
I don’t know if this is my fault or not. I never saw this as a problem or even knew this was what I was like until my teacher when I was eleven, said, “You’re not like the others; you don’t stick to specific groups. You are friends with everyone and do your own thing when you want to.” My teacher meant this positively and always encouraged my individuality but suddenly I felt like an outsider, a weirdo. I looked around the classroom, wondering who would be my close friend, who I would split off with when the group split apart. The answer was no one and I never minded before because like he said, I was happy doing my own thing but since then, I couldn’t unsee that I was alone.
I’m good at being with people one to one. I love getting to know people and am a good listener, which often means that people appreciate me and therefore also want to get to know about me. It means that rather than being overlooked because I’m too quiet to be heard over the louder voices of the group, I am seen. And once I am seen and accepted I feel more comfortable and can actually participate. But when I feel comfortable within a group of friends and notice that someone else isn’t, my attention shifts to trying to include that person. When I’m in a group and a single person clings to me only, I want to separate because I want to have the opportunity to be friends with other people too. So maybe it is my own ‘fault,’ and maybe a floater is simply what I’m like, though I don’t think that’s entirely true. It’s really nice to have that other person (or people!) you know you can always fall back on and who knows they can always fall back on you as long as that doesn’t mean you become dependant on each other and want to spend time with others too. And maybe that’s where being a good listener comes in again. A lot of people don’t appear to have someone that really listens to them so when I do, they want to keep that rather badly. Maybe then instead of me being seen, I am only seen as that good listener who can help.
As I said, I have been wanting to get involved in my local kinky scene but it has been daunting, to which many of you can probably relate. I function better if there’s an activity I can partake in. This is how I managed to start playing football because the activity was something I could hold on despite the anxiety that made me want to quit after every training during the first year I played. It’s why I went to a kinky workshop first before going to a munch. It’s why I prefer to go on a trip to a castle or do some arts and crafts, even if I wouldn’t normally be interested in this, rather than attending just a wine and cheese social.
I always thought I’d have someone to go to kinky meet-ups, parties etc. with, at least when starting out. Very early on, Miss Lois said she wanted me to go alone, once I got to the point of going and I low-key disagreed with this sentiment. While I dislike that she will have gotten her way, it appears that I will be going alone, which kind of makes sense because how can you go with someone if you don’t know people, for which you need to go to these events. It doesn’t help me to consume alcohol; it does the opposite, really. I lose energy and start feeling down even on my first glass so thanks for that body. So if I don’t have another person, can’t use alcohol to help relax and can’t always have an activity involved in order to meet people, there doesn’t seem to be another option than to just to go for it and hope for the best.
By that, I don’t mean running into a Mistress, though that would be great. While of course, I feel the need to put myself out there because I don’t think I’ll be able to find a Mistress otherwise, I’m not that actively looking for one. My priority right now is to survive long enough to get close enough to other people so that I can stop feeling anxious in this unfamiliar setting. I want to be a part of the community and have like-minded friends. I want to be able to walk into and attend a social, an event or whatever without that one of the first things people say to me is, “you look terrified.” I just want to be able to live my life and have fun and stop being that loner. So I really hope that I can force myself to get there but if I go and it turns out horrible, at least I’ll have tried.