When I started doing caning clips the only thing I had to worry about was being on blood thinners (which is perhaps quite a lot to worry about? lol) but I didn’t have to worry about my bruises and how they’d have to heal if I wanted to play with someone else. Back in January, I wrote about my fondness of marks as they can serve as a visible reminder of intimate play. I’d never really had many bruises since impact play is difficult in an online dynamic. As a result, the only bruises I got came from playing football or rugby and those went away rather quickly. So when I stumbled into doing caning videos and realised I had to be unmarked, it didn’t seem like much of a problem. Then I walked into the local kink community.
Impact play seems to be very popular, especially at play events. When I walked past the playrooms at Sugar Kane, one person was being spanked on her butt with a paddle, another was being whipped by two people at the same time and someone else was being hit with an array of different tools. As I was watching the scenes I felt curiosity. At the same time, I realised it was good I didn’t have someone to try it with; I knew I was going to get caned for a video soon and for those, I need to be unmarked. That’s when it first dawned on me that impact play might not always be possible if I want to do these videos.
However, I don’t particularly mind. I don’t enjoy pain much if it doesn’t have meaning. My joy comes from pleasing others so I don’t need impact play during casual play, but now that Roxy has entered the picture it has changed a little. Personally I still don’t mind avoiding impact play but if she feels like doing it with me I’d like her to be able to do that. Before the weekend, I told her that I couldn’t get too marked.
“I talked to my friend about it the other day,” she said as we were sitting together on the floor. “And I said that professional subs are rarely ever unmarked. But then there’s the dilemma…” Yes, because if a professional sub has their own private dynamic and needs to be unmarked because of her job, what do you do? It’s something I’ve talked about with Ash before, as we both need to be unmarked for these videos but also enjoy private play.
“And I said to him,” Roxy continued, “That it doesn’t make sense because she’s mine to be marked. I mark her.” And my mind paused there for a second. She’s mine to be marked? Did she mean me? She said it so casually as if it was a given that this person she was talking about was hers. She had no idea that my mind had paused and that I was turning the phrase over in my head. “But then there’s the aspect of an income,” She said. “Uhu,” I nodded. “And it’s about balancing it, I suppose,” she concluded. I’m hers? Mhm, is that what she meant? I suppose she must have.
Another thing my mind paused on was when Roxy said “a professional sub,” because then I thought: Does that mean I’m a professional sub? lol. Am I because I do these caning videos? Dad always tells me that I don’t have to worry about the job I’ll end up with. He studied to be a teacher but works for the government and says that most people find a job that doesn’t necessarily relate to their degree. “You just roll into it,” he says. I’m not sure that’s what he meant if I end up as a professional submissive! (I mean, I know I’m not. I don’t do sessions with customers.)
The thing with choosing to do sex work is that it gives you a certain kind of label and once you have it, it sticks. In most professions, you can choose to change and retrain into something else and while you can as a sex worker, there will be certain professions you can’t return to. We often feel like taking on a label is final. It becomes limiting because we have to stick to certain criteria and we feel like that’s all we are now. At the same time, labels help with self-identification and it can aid in finding like-minded people. A label, however, is just that, a loosely sticking sticker that tears and wears over time and will perhaps come off. But, when it comes off it, can leave traces. Labels are so very hard to shake.
A new label I’m rather happy with is being her slave. Other labels I use are more for convenience sake as they immediately offer some insight into who I am. They can help clear up possible misunderstandings, such as how I’m not into men. The labels offer me something to hold onto, but I don’t feel like they’re stuck to me as life is very fluid and we keep changing and evolving. Still, I wonder if this is different for the label of a professional submissive. It’s a hidden label, in some way as we tend to change it to the label of a model for the outside world. Perhaps that means there’s fluidity in that too.